Never plan a flight for a day it is going to rain

the pain and suffering is so great that whatever is necessary to forecast weather months in advance should be done. blood sacrifice is not out of the question.

I'm not celebrating Christmas this year

or rather what it has become -- giftmas. it's not that i am depressed. (it's amazing what a stable flow of hormones will do for your mood) it's that people disgust me one of those man's inhumanity to man kinda things And the complete disregard people have for how their actions affect others i would take a $5 gift of love over a $500 Christmas gift any day and my hair's growing so my scalp hurts

"What's the point of looking thin in a casket"

so me and this extra 25 lbs are gonna bond a little longer

So when the young hispanic boy stepped out in front of my car

and said "nigga wait," it was difficult to determine if he was talking to me or his friend who had walked out in front of another vehicle

"Happiness is a warm puppy"

--I want a dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown.

i need to spen less time on lj

the stupid is starting to get to me.  i need to find a forum where conversation is intelligent and based on reason, not on "stop being mean". in other news, apparently i look like a teenager and "need to do something about it"

giftmas barter

in exchange for that brats doll your daughter must have and those ps3 games for your son, i have the following: dirty clothing dirty car boxes that need to be moved ...

I find the need to award myself the dumbass of the day award

sometimes you are the whore you feel like

working for a great satan (and now my blog gets flagged) apparently has its benefits.  that is if you can take them without hating the sight of yourself in the mirror.

Dear Yahoo, your new tv listing format sucks. IitanTV is much better.

New job report: what i do - right now nothing b/c i am still "in training" the good - no asshats.  my supervisor thinks i'm a genius, doesn't believe in busy work, and has my back.i think i can talk my way into development rather than grunt work. the bad - my probationary hours suck.  driving deep in the middle of rush hour sucks.  working 20 miles from home still sucks.  i'm "the new guy".  corporate bs. p.s. bodyworks now has a peppermint flavored 3 in 1.  good stuff.

bah humbug

the first thing on my car has broken, with me of course just out of warranty now i must find new cd compartment

the cold left, then bronchitis set in

i don't want to be involved in giftmas this year.  i want to celebrate a real holiday with peace, love, goodwill, and all that jazz. on the plus side, i have a new job.  on the minus, i am coughing up yellow stuff. and last but not least, whose bad idea was it to include that superman returns crap with the the classics in the new collector's edition. p.s. will someone pick whether blu-ray or hd-dvd is going the standard.

Good vs Evil: And evil wins?

Bad movie, but it is only part 1 of a series. Anyway, people please don't buy a puppy for you kids for giftmas that will just wind up in a shelter.

I just can't keep a job

the real problem is that this means i have to deal with multiple w-2s.  this year i will have three.  it is almost enough to make you pay someone to do your taxes for you.

Why go to college

For those of you who are confused, you don't actually learn anything useful in college, but you do have useful experiences.  College won't help you at your job, but it will help you get a job.  People with lots of money to pay you are impressed by degrees.  But most importantly of all, you can party and be drunk of your ass for four years straight.  You will never again have this opportunity.

I have no heart

and this is with a stable hormonal load. 

'Tis the season to be greedy...

Today's giftmas wish from craiglist (as posted):

Xmas presents for 6 yr old girl and 9 yr boy

My credit cards are maxed out. I dont know how to get on one of those charity trees. If anyone has anything special to give I would be very grateful.

Im a divorced single mother.

Does the koolaid man have a name like the marshmellow man?

being surrounded by idiots is really painful. i need to find smart people to socialize with. so where are the smart people?and the season of "give me" begins. i wish i could just go hide for the duration. during the time when we are supposed to be full of goodwill people are only full of themselves. culminating in the great "what did you get" discussion. i literally give my friends "boxes of random shit". there may be a theme sometimes; there may not. but the point is that i saw something and thought "hey she'll like that". not "hey i spent $100 at willowbend for this darling little candle".

Why do people race to red lights

Dear religious right, Please leave us alone.  The more heathens who continue on the path to hell, the more space for you in heaven.  P.S. Didn't Jesus preach a message of love not hate.  I'm just saying...

Mommas don't ket your kids grow up to be stupid

For the last time, teenagers, STOP TELLING STRANGERS WHERE YOU LIVE!!!!  If you do not tell them, they will not know how to find you.

choose your ending...

at first i figured i would be pissed off by sony's commercials for men and commercials for women.  i expected them to be the typical stereotypes that we usually see.  but i stand corrected there were ninjas.  something so ridiculous cannot be offensive.  i think i need a larger lcd.

no tribble at all

a small part of my kingdom for an original series star trek female crew member costume

i hope i never see one of those fuzzy miserable things again

we face an epidemic today.  many people have contracted a condition i will call "country club-itis".  symptoms of this condition include a false sense of superiority, equation of self worth to material worth, and a need to demean others at every opportunity.  what the sufferers have not realized is that i don't give a hot damn about what they have and who they think they are.  in fact, i am not impressed at all. don't want to party w/ me? fine, go swivel on a champagne glass by yourself.  i don't fit in with your company?  keep your damn job, its not worth the salary to have to deal with you anyway.

truth is the ultimate defense for defamation

it should also cover bad jokes...

Stupid people make me sick

I mean that literally.  Working with stupid people causes me physical pain.

friends, romans, countrymen: lend me your ear

For those of you who were confused, a holiday is a day that honors a certain person, place, or thing.  Think MLK Day, Pearl Harbor Day, or Arbor Day.  Honoring dead family members is a holiday.  "Feed me or I'll toilet paper your house" is not a holiday.  This does not include excuses to get drunk.  Anything goes in the quest for alcohol.

there are NO natural entitlements

"[entitlements] make little slaves of one part of the society to other parts of the society" PBS deserves some of my money for that.

the earth's magnetic field is reversing

Sometimes I am so smart that I amaze even myself.  For a while, I have been afraid that I was becoming stupid due to lack of exposure to intelligence.  But today I came up with an idea that proves that untrue.  I am a fricking genius.

I got love in my tummy

For everyone who didn't know, if you do not know the marital status of a female, the correct form of address is "Ms." not "Miss" or "Mrs."  Of course, you can always just use her first name as we are a very informal society these days.

One less bastard child conceived by morons

I think my tivo is about to die.  or should be put down.  for the past several weeks i have been smelling burning plastic.  my walls are all cold thankful.  after sniffing everything in my room, I think that the tivo is the culprit.  i hope it's just dust.  i am not in the mood to buy another tivo right now.  but if i did, it would record hd...

Who was the fattest oldest skank on her period?

I don't think this bank of america thing is going to work out.  They buy mbna and the very day access transfers, the phishing starts.  Like I'm going to touch a link from russia.

On the jazz

Situations do not magically get better.  You must actively do something to bring about change.  Eventually I get there. While it is convenient to have enough hair to form your own pillow, hair caught under a shoulder kinda hurts.  Plus the weight causes strange neck motions. I lost a very important file.  Important personally. Over the past 10 years I have grown upward and outward.  Most dramatically in the past year. Filed under random Saturday night thoughts.

5 midgets spanking a man covered with thousand island dressing

I don't love my neighbor.  I don't even like him.  I try to find some redeeming quality to humanity and I find nothing.  People revel in the suffering of others.  Joy is found by destroying other people.  Satisfaction is found in evil.  It's time for this to stop.

I always thought such errors were simply an SNL joke

The original Star Trek was edutainment

Every later series is just entertainment at best. And can someone explain to me why William Shatner is the star when he can't act but Leonard Nimoy can and he is at best an "also appeared".

Gorlop says:

advertising sex and the city during the saturday morning cartoon block was dumb as hell.

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Maybe I haven't been clear.  If that is the case, then I apologize.  So let me dispel any misconceptions anyone has been operating under.  I do not like lying hoebag skanks.  If you are a lying hoebag skank, then we cannot be friends.  Do not try to engage me in your lying hoebag skank chat.  Do not share with me your lying hoebag skank interests.  I do not care.  kthanxdienow.

Gorlop says:

never watch any flavor of csi with food in your mouth.

My new mascot

Tell the truth, Gorlop is the cutest thing you have ever seen...

And no...

I do not find it funny (or cute) when your child wants to see what I am doing on my laptop. You need to teach the little thing to mind her own business. Sextris could result in some very uncomfortable questions for you. "Mommy, what is that horse doing?"

If you love your child...

Watch your child. or in this case, if you love your money. Just so you know, the computer equipment sitting on my table will cost you around $2000 to replace. Panera has free wi-fi, encouraging patrons to bring laptops with them so that they stay longer and spend more money. Panera does not have inside playground equipment for your carpetrats (my mother's term...) to run around the room playing on. So remember this while your children are playing hide and go seek in between the tables and trip over my power cord: 1. blood doesn't really bother me, so i will just watch them as they cry. 2. widescreen laptops are not cheap. (especially with the new version of window coming out.)

Life update:

Because really, I just don't have the energy to send emails. car: my car is fully repaired.  but somehow, it just doesn't feel the same.  I now understand why people get rid of cars after they have been wrecked.  it doesn't feel bad, it's just not the same. work: I am ready to throw in the towel on employer #3.  despite all my best efforts, I just cannot fit in a corporate environment.  i am a logical person.  stupidity makes me crazy.  i have to go.  maybe a nonprofit organization would lack the immoral drive to profit i see now.  i love money too, but i see no reason to lie/cheat/steal for it. health: i am literally full of hot air.  to the point that it makes me double over in pain.  so much fun.  plus i have fluid in my ear like i am a 5 yo kid with the sniffles.  and my arm hurts from the flu shot. all in all, good times.

I don't listen to the radio

so the only way i hear new music is on tv.  wb is a good source for this.  also grey's anatomy.  but i hate it when i can't find info on a song ala vanished 1.05.  my real point is this, why did no one tell me about m4a?  it's not often that an audio file will make use of all of my speakers.

Oh my God, they Killed Denny (again). you bastards

How shocking...

You are a Social Liberal (73% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (71% permissive) You are best described as a: Libertarian Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Dear cow, If you are gong to lie, make sure there are not any witnesses to call you on it.  Dumb bitch.

It's days like today...

that I want to speed up the work of vhemt

Hold your loved one close, the world is ending

Grey's Anatomy beat CSI according to the "official" Nielsen's. The earth has turned upside down. The poles have completed their reversal. The sky is falling. Hell has frozen over. I mean seriously, which is more interesting: Meredith actually becoming the dirty whore or Grissom in a robe. Wait, never mind, this is the country that brought you Desperate Housewives after all.

We're number 1 (again)

Some poor old woman is killed and Ellis county is wringing its hands over a guy disturbing hunters by playing music on his own land.

For that one of you in Austin,,,

Need a massage?  I have friend who just started a massage business in Austin.  Leave me a comment if you would like her contact info.

New Orleans anyone?

I'm thinking about taking my new year's party out of state this year.  They need the cash and I need the alcohol.  Sounds like a heavenly match to me.

Dumb Bitch of the Week

In this instance, we technically have 2 bitches: a dumb bitch and a smart bitch.  The smart bitch is a manipulative asshat.  The dumb bitch allows it to go on.  As long as you let someone take advantage of you, they will.  Stop being a dumb bitch.

<B>Christopher Reeve</B> will always be Superman

I'm not old enough to have seen the original tv series, but I do own all four movies... The Dean Cain debacle was bad enough, but we put up with it because he was cute (at the time), and whenever you wanted Lois to shut up you could just press the mute button.  But really, enough is enough.  Smallville, this "new" movie with a kid and 13 separate Superman dolls (action figures), and now WB (or CW or whatever they call themselves) is doing a new cartoon.  Please, please just stop.  The cow is complete empty of milk.

one more thing

you cannot make me believe that teenagers do not understand when they are being asshats.  or when their actions deserve nothing less than eternal damnation and hellfire.  even small children understand pain when they feel it and when they cause it in others.  they're just kids my ass.

OK, people protect yourselves

yeah, that too.  but i am talking about online privacy.  online, you must be like the ninja...  hide your identity.  there are more than enough free email sites that you have have one address for job searching and one address for things like myspace.  and never use your real name on myspace when you post drunken pictures of yourself.  seriously.

Step one: admit there is a problem

step two: blame someone else for it. actually, this quite amusing.  someone doesn't want to be your friend, so they have a personality disorder.    they don't waste time asking about your family that they don't care about, so they need psychotherapy.  they would rather be alone than be around people patting themselves on the back all the time, so medication must be prescribed. this is going to be all kinds of fun.

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Any woman who stays with a man who says he won't marry her until gay marriage is legalized... Any woman who stays with a man who say you can't cry out during "natural" childbirth because it might upset the baby...

apparently i'm schizoid

i exhibit the following characteristics:

• neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
• almost always chooses solitary activities
• lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
• appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
• shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

i want an official diagnosis.  that way, i could get protection for my "disability".

"How not to be seen"

boy do i love monty python karma isn't a bitch, she's just unforgivingly fair. for example, you know how you cut off a firetruck on its way to save someone. one day it's going to be one of your family members that suffers from the delay you cause. i'm just saying...

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Speaking of education...  If you are the principal of a school there are certain things you say in your house at your kitchen table that you can't say over the pa system at school.  these certain will get your ass fired despite the fact that they may be true.  there is no such thing as free speech.

"where his leg should be, there's nothing but patrick duffy"

Is America failing the children?  20/20 seems to think so.  But i have news for everyone.  Kids these days are just dumb.  Anyone who doesn't know why the civil war started -- or calls it "the war of northern agression" for that matter -- is just dumb.  how do you not pick this stuff up?  ok, maybe dumb is too strong. the problem is that no one values learning anymore.  being smart isn't cool.

The children will have to fend for themselves from now on

I propose a new law: "No dog left behind".  I made the mistake of watching the pbs special about what happened to animals after katrina as i rode the bike to nowhere.  it was the saddest thing i have seen in recent memory.  and i mean make you cry sad, not make you want to hit someone.  so i propose a law that would make people actually care for the animals they have made a part of their families.  when you run, they go with you.

I want to be more honest

I pride myself on always telling the truth, but I think that I could do better. And apparently the search for "some Puerto Rican guy" will have to continue...

This is a few days late

1.  men love women who have low self esteem.  a woman like that is afraid to tell you that your shit smells like shit.  she'll tell you it smells like springtime roses just so you won't leave her.  and i'm sure that makes you feel like a big man.  well, if that is what you want that will be fine just fine.  2.  your failings are not my own and i refuse to let you make me claim them.  screw up your own life, but stop trying to drag others down into the gutter with you.  asshole. it's really too bad that the person who really needs to read this will never see it.  not that they would get it anyway.

Dumb bitch of the week

They're starting younger and younger these days...  To the little girl in panda express: demeaning a fast food worker who makes minimum wage doesn't say that much about her incompetence.  But it does say a lot about your "I am princess, worship me attitude."  Wait until your mommy isn't there.  One day, someone is going to call you out for the dumb bitch you are.  I hope she spit in your food.

Why is life so unfair?

Seriously, what possible good does it do for people to suffer.  And only humans have this problem.  Animals go through life just fine.  Take a pack of feral dogs for example.  You eat what you find, you don't find you don't eat.  Seems simple enough for me.  But we humans can't do that.  We have to steal what others find.  We take rather that gather for ourselves.  This is why I like dogs more than people.

way back when in the long long ago

remember back when the internet was limited to the undersunned and overintelligent?  the days when stupidity was only to be found as a subject of mockery?  ok, i made that up.  but seriously, internet access is too easily obtained these days. on a similar note, was anyone else amused by forbes's  Don't Marry Career Women article?  it was an excellent marketing tactic.  it doesn't matter whether the talk is good or bad, only that they are talking about you.  and all those page views led to how many ad clickthrus... but at least i got my car back

Dumb Bitch of the Week

or "If you love your child, watch your child" I have seen and heard of many disturbing instances of children finding their way into trouble or death. Running out in front of cars, telling strangers where they live, drowning in pool in their backyards. In general these have a common theme -- a parent that didn't have a clue what his child was doing. Or so I thought. I thought that if parent knew their kids were doing dumb things, they would stop them. I mean no parent could watch his child touch a hot stove without trying to prevent it, right? Today I was proved wrong. So many indignities are suffered in the laundromat... Today I was faced with yet another child running loose while its parent's mind was focused on loading clothing. I thought after he slammed a cart into my clothing his mother would stop him no dice. She left him to bother other people, which he did. At one point, I saw the kid making nice with some random guy loading a dryer. Nice as in sticking he hand up the guy's shorts. The guy was letting him do it. Am I the only one who thinks this shit is not normal. HELLO11!!11! There is a strange man letting your son rub up his thigh and you are going to laugh like that shit is funny? You need to be calling the police to take this guy back to his halfway house. No sane person lets people randomly run their hands under their clothing. At least not unless there is alcohol involved. Lady, for letting your son give a stranger some cheap thrills, you are a dumb bitch.

Am I a nerd, dork, or a geek?

According to ask yahoo, it's somewhere between a nerd and a geek.  Closer to geek.  Why must people label someone who is "different"? if you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? Do you know what happens when you piss off geeks?  If you don't, be glad.

funniest damn thing i have ever heard

"African American, which I believe you called black"

Hmm, he doesn't look like "some puerto rican guy" to me

Seriously, what is so difficult about stopping your damn car a a stop sign.  A stop sign that due to the nature of the intersection is extra large.

The tri-life crisis continues

Is anyone listening? Another head hangs lowly, Child is slowly taken. And the violence caused such silence, Who are we mistaken? But you see, it's not me, it's not my family. In your head, in your head they are fighting, With their tanks and their bombs, And their bombs and their guns. In your head, in your head, they are crying... In your head, in your head, Zombie, zombie, zombie, Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head, In your head, Zombie, zombie, zombie? Another mother's breaking, Heart is taking over. When the violence causes silence, We must be mistaken. It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen. In your head, in your head they're still fighting, With their tanks and their bombs, And their bombs and their guns. In your head, in your head, they are dying... In your head, in your head, Zombie, zombie, zombie, Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head, In your head, Zombie, zombie, zombie? --The Cranberries - Zombie

I seriously want to see snakes on a plane

it will be the highlight of my summer.

The answer is simple...

Someone was wondering how... I pause here because I find myself searching for a nice word to describe blatant stupidity so let's just say "society".  Someone was wondering how society could achieve a stated goal of ending homelessness in 10 years when prices are rising and wages are stagnant.  And people living on the edge are starting to fall off.  The answer is quite simple, you kill them.  Then the problem is gone.  Why else would cities seek to hide the problem rather than address.  After all, it is quite sensible to build infrastructure to provide services to the homeless across town from where they actually live...

Update: I want my baby back

Damage to my car: scratched headlight, scratched/paint stripped bumper, bent fender, passenger door motion impeded by bent fender, alignment jacked, and anything else they find Yes I have a rental.  Yes it is an American made tragedy called a Dodge Caliber.  Who in the world makes a dash that is harder than the bumper and leaves it unpadded? I can only see my baby in pictures.  WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH11111!!!

Dumb bitch of the week

I don't think there is any secret to the winner.  It's kinda obvious.

This week's lesson

You can't avoid "the big one" aka  "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" so just accept

The most common ailment of all men...

the strange and perverse disinclination to believe in a miracle.

Kudos to Geico

The gecko gets goodie points for outstanding service under a stressful situation.

There is a place beyond emotion

It's not numbness.  That doesn't really describe it.  Imagine what happens when you slam a hammer down on your thumb.  If your body likes you, you don't feel this because the pain is magically stopped by a feeling of nothingness.  I am in that place now.

Just fucked up all around

I was going to record the yanni concert in hd tonight.  so much for that.

Comment reserved until resolution

"Sexless Childless Freak!!!!!"

How dare I not know my place as a woman.  I should be married.  At my age, I should have children -- preferable 3 or 4.  But I'm not, so obviously something is wrong with me.  I must immediately rectify this.  First to go will be the degrees - pregnancy does not require a BA let alone a MBA.  And I would probably be a much better wife if I stopped reading books that taught me words such as "rectify".  Having the freedom to travel to Vegas, South Beach, Mexico, etc. is nothing when compared my duty to produce the future generation.  What am I thinking?  What am I doing buying toys and gadgets to amuse myself?  Why if I'm not careful I could get my woman card (tm) taken away.  Oh well, I suppose I should go watch some more HDTV with my 6.1 surround sound system chop off all my hair as a lament to my pitiful miserable existence (and then look for a man on match.com).

It's not so much that you were wrong...

it's that you wouldn't shut up afterward.

Attention whores

Please do us all a favor and throw yourselves off of the nearest bridge.  Think of all the attention that will get you...

For those of you who missed my quarter life crisis...

Welcome to my tri-life crisis.  Yes, it is early, but I have always been an overachiever.

Time flies when you are wasting it...

I used to think that time flew faster the older you got because each successive year was a smaller part of your total life.  Now I realize that isn't the case.  The true explanation is that you never have time to do anything because realisticly work leaves you with only 4 hours of unallocated time a day.  That's because dressing for, getting to, getting from, and being at work takes most of us 12 hours.  Then you factor in the 8 hrs of sleep needed not to be homicidal and all you have left is 4 hrs.  I'm beginning to think that it's more trouble than it's worth.

Compartmentalization

Say it with me now...  Essentially, life can be divided into three parts: real life, work life, and internet life.  These should never, never cross.  It's kinda like keeping your wife and girlfriend apart.  Actually, it's exactly like keeping your wife and girlfriend apart -- your internet girlfriend and your real life wife.  Bad things happen when you mix the two.  Same thing goes for trying other combinations.  Do you really want your coworkers to see your myspace?  No, you really don't.  So, in the future, don't let the twain meet.  mmkay.

God is love

and He loves me.  I know this because someone created a lovely music video channel for me to watch on hd  called "the tube."  We love "the tube."

Universal healthcare

Sometimes you have to choose the lesser of two evils.  Paying for regular checkups vs. stays in the hospital for uncontrolled blood sugar.  Cause the way things work, we will be paying for one or the other.

Huggers...

In general, I do not like to be touched.  Especially not by people I don't know.  I don't want a hug.  I don't want a backrub.  And let us refrain from the unholy handshake.  We don't need to touch to communicate.  Email works fine.  Just fine.

Hey you...

yeah, you. right there.  no, quit hiding behind the door. i can see you.  there you go.  come on.  you can do it.  that's right, come on out of the closet.  now there is no point in running back in when i can see you in there.  i promise that you will be much happier if you come on out.  and i will too because maybe then you will stop acting like a whiney litttle bitch. no love.

What part of "evil inside" did you miss?

It's not like its not obvious or anything.  But for those of you who missed the first 6 warnings: Screw with me, and I will mess you up so bad, that you will screw yourself and ask for seconds.

Dumb bitch of the week

The woman driving like a bat out of hell down Harry Hines.  Those lines on the road are there for a reason.  KThxCrashNow.

Teenagers posing as adults

I don't mean with fake ids.  I mean supposedly grown people who get their damn feeling hurt all the time.  Grow the fuck up, real life isn't livejournal.

Poor people choose to live in ghettos

Newsflash: This just in... Poor people choose to be poor...      Apparently, when I was just a twinkle in God's eye, I said, "Please send me to a poor family so that I can stand in line at the project's main office with other poor people to fill a little red wagon with my yearly allotment of "government cheese" and peanut butter."  In a genie-like fashion He apparently said, "Yes."  And that is why I grew up poor.  Not because my grandparents only received middle school educations growing up during the early 1900's in the south.  Not because my mother was educated in a definitely separated but nowhere near equal school system.  Not because the good ole (white) boys system in my central Texas school district excluded students at the all black school on the poor side of town from the gifted and talented program.  No, I just wished to grow up poor.      Now I'm not saying that these things cannot be overcome.  I think I have been able to a large extent.  But you can't ignore how far behind those who did not face such problems this put me.  So, new rule:  If you don't know what you are talking about, then shut the fuck up.

I could use some more money to spend

my big baby is gone.  i miss him.  but hp says he'll be back by next thursday. kudos to yahoo for adding tabs to ie6.  but i've got 2 issues.  1, ie is kinda unstable so i tend to crash it.  when browsing in windows, i only loose one instance, but w/ tabs things are kinda ugly.  2, apparently the scroll button is mapped to open links in a new tab.  every time i try to scroll i have to 1st kill a tab...

they win

build a bear has a batman outfit...

Dumb bitch of the week

Titney wins again.  Just because.

Guilt

I don't bother with it.  So when my mother tries to make me feel guilty for not getting up at 7am on a Saturday, the one day I don't have to drag my happy ass out of bed at sunrise, it can only be an insult.  Seriously.  And it's not like it was for something important.  It was for a tune-up.  If you put a tune-up off this long, it will wait until I wake up at noon. In other news, HP may just have to go on permanent time out.  As much as I love my laptops, there is just something wrong w/ having two different models that need motherboard replacement for electrical faults.

?

Could someone explain to me why when try to visit monster.com i get monster.fr... in french...

HP is now on double time out

1.  someone doesn't understand the difference between 2 and Z 2.  i was given an incorrect number to send a verification fax into this is not difficult.  any given year, I'm going to spend a couple of thousand plus on computers/accessories.  if you want to be the recipient of that money, don't piss me off.  mmkay?  mmkay. but apparently if you call earlier rather than later you get an american understand, that the isn't nationality that is the issue, it's communication barriers.  i can't hear that well, if you don't speak the king's english i probably won't understand you.  and i really don't appreciate incomprehensible messages being left in my voicemail.

HP is on time out...

Nothing like poor customer service.  It's not that the call went to India, it's that the csr didn't understand english...  Now considering that I actually buy a new computer once a year, you don't want to piss me off.

Because I'm feeling mean:

To all prolifers - stop taking antibiotics, you are killing precious bacteria.  and what have paramecia done to you really.  or is it that only certain parasites are allowed?

Let me have my pain.

Hypothetically speaking: I broke my little toe, you broke your leg bone Yes, your pain is "bigger" But this in no way makes my pain any smaller for me Accept that we are both suffering

Proof dogs are smarter than kids

The other day as I was driving to work, I saw a dog whose owner had put it out of the house. Instead of whining and scratching at the door, the dog was jumping up to hit the latch. I know from experience, that a kid will just cry.

"Rights"

Well, you were half listening in school when they told you that constitutions and such protect your rights. You missed a part of the lesson. Your rights are protected from the government. Not your neighbor, not random strangers, not your employers. Example, your employer can tell you what you can and cannot wear. This is not a violation of your right to free expression. You always have the option of quitting. There is no "right to a job that allows me to do what i want and pays me a living wage so that i can afford to live in decent surroundings." If only

the son of a bitch that is the office 2007 beta

I understand that it's a beta and therefore liable to be unstable I don't understand how a feature that worked last week would this week waste a day and a half of my time crashing my computer But you have to defrag sometime right

The sky is falling, the sky is falling

Not!!! I was just joking.  Aren't I funny... Sure

some more common sense

Hey parents, don't like the way a public school is run? want your child to carry the confederate flag, knives, grandpa's rifle in the gun rack, on a holy war for the salvation of all souls?  but the evil school administration don't agree with your ideals?  then school them at home; that is your right.  it's kinda like not letting them watch offensive tv shows rather than trying to get the shows taken off the air.  oh, wait...

good graffiti, bad graffiti

while i applaud the idea, i am a little disappointed in the execution next time, guys, go for parallelism: KING OF JEWS... KING OF BREWS.... king of beers... really

i too love the hoff

but seriously, that jump in my car video is scary as hell

Dumb bitch of the week

I have to break the rules and call out Pete who I can only assume is a man.  Pete is a pro-lifer who was horrified by "Miss Caroline Weber" of The Onion who "wrote" an "article" glorifying abortion.  (But we are not going to the idiocy of a man telling a woman anything about her body.)  Pete wrote a scathing blog entry in response.  We everyone pointed out that The Onion is not a "real" news source, he explained ... Aw hell, there is no explaining him.  He is just a dumb bitch.

The fittest aren't surving

Or rather the unfit are surviving where they shouldn't.  I mean really, how do stupid people figure out reproduction?  Is someone helping them?  And why aren't there more Darwin Awards each year?  No one is that lucky.  Stupid people are not removing themselves from the gene pool at near the rate that they are entering it.

Maybe I need more salt (for the iodine)

Ever notice that as soon as you solve one medical problem another arises.  My special doctor of the unmentionable variety thinks I may have a thyroid issue.  So much so that she ordered a minion to poke me with a long needle.  and added another test to the bill.  yippee.  of course, even if this test is "normal" it doesn't mean that this is normal for me.  I should probably get a full workup.  Here I come Ms. Endocrinologist. 

Celebrate freedom: Embrace stupidity

: Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! : But Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider: Ladies and gentlemen this [pointing to a picture of Chewbacca] is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk, But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now, think about that. That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee—an eight foot tall Wookiee—want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! : But more important, you have to ask yourself, what does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has Nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! : Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense. None of this makes sense! : And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense. : If Chewbacca lived on Endor, you must acquit! The Defense rests.

A whole bunch of dogs gotta a lot of learning to do

I downloaded the Office 2007 beta to check out the supposedly great new features.  One problem the interface is radically different.  Not just updated, I mean like going from DOS to Windows different.  My first thought was "Shit..." and I am a pretty advanced computer user.  The rest of you suckers are in for a world of hurt.

Ok people

It's one thing to call for reason, but spewing your own self hatred and ignorance is starting to get on my nerves.

Dumb Bitch Award

If you are going to hate people because of X, make sure X is real and not imagined.  For example, saying, " I hate people with allergies because allergies are fatal and I don't want to catch them 'cause I don't want to die."  You are already dying of fatal stupidity.  Dumb bitch.

ABC Family

Now explain to me how a show about a strange naked peeping tom, a sexually active teenage girl who can't hold her liquor, and a teenage boy who likes girlie magazines in family oriented.

A little help here...

Hi everyone.  Can I get you to do me a little favor.  Before you ask for help with something; read the damn manual.

Dumb Bitch of the Week

It's past time.  Confidential to the Britney Spears wannabe in my life: she gets away with that shit because she is rich, you are just a poor dumb bitch.  It's not cute when she does it, but with the size of her bank account who cares.  You on the other hand are just pathetic.  "Oh tee hee hee, look what I did."  You made yourself look stupid.  People aren't laughing with you; they are laughing at you.  Get a clue.  And sit down and shut up.

The mind is a powerful thing

I have decided that neither superman returns nor xmen3 exist.  I am much happier for this decision.

A visitation from the ClueX4

Any statement that has to be prefaced by : "I don't mean this to sound racist..." should probably not be said. Man, y'all are gonna make me militant.

And for the last damn time

stop listening to what others tell you you should be be yourself

I want all my freebies back

So apparently the following make you not responsible for your bad behavior.  Ok, more than the following, but I'm only going to list the ones I can claim: poverty single mother society's image of perfection being black poverty working single mother coming home to empty house being raised by grandparents being female and did i mention poverty? I could go on, but what's the point?  My point is this: if I can rise above why can't you?

If I had been given the choice

along with full disclosure i think i would have chosen bits on the outside and the potential for an enlarging prostate

Applications for special snowflake are no longer being accepted

http://www.rent-a-negro.com/

Dumb bitch of the week

Trifling Lady: you know who you are.

Dumb bitch of the week

Serena: for playing.

7th Heaven has jumped on the shark.

thank you; that is all.

Nigga moments

Huey Freeman ain't never lied:   "Webster defines the nigga moment as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical negro male! Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e. like a nigga!"  He did however leave out that it can affect females as well. Don't act like a mindless ignorant fool and no one will call you one. 

Dumb bitch of the week

Faye the cashier for trying to start a "nigga moment" when her shoes weren't even scuffed

I have a bunch of these saved up

Apparently my philosophy of "do unto others as they have done unto you" already has a name.  This guy has a lot of ides that I appreciate. Loebner's Valuation of Morality:*

The Leaden Rule: Do unto others before they do unto you; The Cupric Rule: Do unto others nothing; The Silver Rule: Do unto others no harm; The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; The Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them; The Diamond  Rule: Do unto others as they have done unto you.

*http://www.loebner.net/signature-file.html

Consideration

Some people believe that you should show consideration for others, especially when they have had a bad day.  For example, when an asshole cuts you off in traffic you should excuse it because maybe his wife made him beat her this morning and now he is running late for work.  But how about all the people out there show some consideration to me by not driving when they can't focus on the task at hand.  How about that.

WOOT!

I've got an alum at my new job.

Call me Cassie

Why does no one ever listen to me when I am always right?

I am have a serious lamb craving.

Dumb bitch of the week

Britney.

Some people just don't know when to stop

Like Disney.  Lion King 1.5?  Please. And now The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo? You are not just shitting me, you are shitting on me.

Oh my GOD!!! They killed Denny!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because it needed to be said.

Seeking single police officer for protection/companionship

So waiting to talk to me after I get home...  seriously stalkerish, ok.

Housecleaning

1. People need to stop screwing with me. 2. I am taking requests for souvenirs now. 3. I enjoy bad movies. 4. I start a new job in a couple of weeks. 5. I do not believe in repeating myself. People should believe me when I tell them something 6. It doesn't pain me at all to cut someone out of my life. I've done it several times in the past. 7. The drycleaner lost 8 items of my clothing. I have pants but no jackets for my suits. I am so pissed, that I am absolutely calm. 8. I want a day of action.

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Better late than never... Today's pick is someone that I'll call monkey.  Monkey gets her name because she is so dumb that when she talks, her words are basically monkey speak.  Actually that is probably an insult to monkeys, but think of it as an evolutionary analogy.  Now I could give all sorts of examples, but really monkey's biggest problem is that she is a dumb bitch who thinks she's smarter than everyone else.  She appears to lack even a high school education but yet wants everyone to believe that she has all the answers.  I'd feel sorry for her except for the fact that she tried to step to me with her ignorant bullshit.  And despite that fact that I feel kinda bad fighting an unarmed man in a battle of wits I can only say "bring it, bitch."  But i'm not totally unkind, I'll let her borrow my dictionary so that she look up the big words she doesn't understand.

Why I hate people in general

Actually hate is the wrong word. Hate would imply an emotional response. Some would call me indifferent or apathetic. Those don't quite reach it. To tell the truth, if the people around me dropped dead of natural causes I wouldn't care. To tell the truth, there are some people out there that if they died of unnatural causes I wouldn't shed a tear. And there is another thing that I should clear up. There is a marked difference between hurting me and pissing me off. I have to actually care about you for you to hurt me. And the fact that at any given point I can count the people I care about using fingers only should tell you that there is almost metaphysical certitude that most likely anything done to miss is just going to piss me off. And trust me, that is a bad thing.

Must be less snide.

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Any woman walking around talking about her baby's "good hair."  Specifically the one I heard today saying "it's all in the genes."  Don't blame they hair because you don't know how to comb it.  Conditioning really isn't a difficult concept; try it sometime.  Thank you, that is all.

How do life insurance companies make money?

everybody dies eventually.

When will black be the new black?

This is what happens when you don't listen to me.  You can't say I didn't tell you so.

Relatively simple concept

Don't be an asshole, and I won't talk about you. mmmkay?  mmmkay.

Dumb Bitch #3

So we're early this week.  My journal, my rules.  This week I would like to call anyone who thinks that giving up freedom = freedom a DUMB BITCH.  Look, if you hate yourself because of something you did in the past.  Fine all well and good.  But I am happy with my choices, and really I don't care about yours.  Stop trying to make choices for me.  If I want to hurt myself, that is my choice.  Just think if I wind up killing myself, there is that much more oxygen for you.  Lord save me from guilt.  Abstinence didn't work for Mary.  Please just shut the hell up.  Better yet, move to Afghanistan, then I won't have to hear you babble.  (And can I point out that the last person who needs to be talking about sexual purity to a girl is her father...)  See, if you would pay for cable for me, I wouldn't watch pbs and you wouldn't have to read this stuff.

How much spam can you get in one day

Damn. I want to tell. But I can't tell. It's kinda like 3rd person omniscient point of view. When the girl is on the phone with a guy behind with a knife. You know, but you really can't do anything about it. It's gonna be ugly. Bloody. Godless. Foul. And ugly. I almost don't want to see it happen. Almost I say, b/c I am again laughing at things that should not be laughed at. But shit, if you knew, you would laugh too. But I can't tell.

I saw a wilmer hutchins isd "honor student" bumper sticker

if it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.  ok, i laughed.  it's sad and funny.

Last week I sprained/strained/pinched/whatevered my neck

so please stop rubbing me it irritates me it irritates my neck and it's probably how i injured myself in the first place and why the hell are you touching me anyway

New rule

if I can hear you despite having the music in my headphones turned up loud enough to cause permanent ear damage then you are too damn loud.

I may be an adult, but I'm not grown up yet.

I don't know if I ever will be.

Dumb Bitch of the Week

Winner #2 Today's winner is Mrs. X.  Mrs. X, you is a true dumb bitch.  There are many reasons I could list, but I guess the main thing is that you expect me to be your friend.  You make false accusations against me, and you expect me to be your friend.  You try to turn others against me, and you expect me to be your friend.  You generally try to fuck my life up, and you expect me to be your friend.  Here's a clue: no one likes you.  I see now why you can't keep a husband; no man in his right mind would stay married to you.  I actually find it kinda funny when you look at me like sore puppy dog that has been dumped on the side of the road in a snow storm.  But you won't get a clue.  I ignore you, avoid you, and yet you still try to "hang" with me.  Seriously, go away dumb bitch.  Now that being said, you need more drugs.  What you are taking now isn't enough.  You are truly batshit insane.  Get professional help.

Best spam title ever!

"Skinny cooks can't be trusted" I almost clicked on it, not really, but I did laugh.

How the heck is it only Wednesday?

All hail the return of the CBS bad Sunday night movie.

First Ever Dumb Bitch of the Week Award

No this isn't an April Fool's joke.  This is real.  I feel that I have an obligation to out all the dumb females out there.  That and they get on my damn nerves.  Because they are whiny as well as dumb, let me say that i present these awards as my opinion not fact...  In the same interest, I will not post actual names because who they are isn't important only what they did. Award #1:  I originally had another recipient in mind, but she will have to wait.  This award goes to all the women out there who believe that because someone they know is a Christian they couldn't ever do anything bad.  Just remember that when the cute guy from your Sunday School class chokes the life out of you down in his basement of torture in the name of the Lord.  He's a Christian so it's just a love hug right?

Don't screw with nap time

Damnit people.  I don't get to nap much.  But when I do, it is sacred. So seriously, don't wake up unless I in danger of serious harm that I would survive and necessitate years of rehabilitation.  If I'm gonna die, just let me sleep.

Seriously

If Herpzilla was camped out on your face, halfway into your mouth, how freaking happy would you be?

three

I'm not mad. You have seen me mad yet. But since you mentioned it, here is what it would look like. Pissed off: lots of swearing, usually seen during drive time Mad: tears, after my feeling get hurt and there is nothing I can do about it Enraged 1: hammer in hand, bits of radio on floor; don't know how that happened Enraged 2: cold, calm fury. I plot your demise slowly orchestrating seemingly unrelated events that result in your total destruction. Kinda like what Cartman did to Scott Tenorman. I'm not mad, i'm enraged 2.0.

two

Praise the good Lord for abreva.

one

I still haven't seen Grey's Anatomy. (Driving through the floods was tiring.)

On being young

Supposedly older workers have a hardship in working for young upstarts who know nothing but have a shiny new diploma. Now I can see where if you have done a job for 20 years, it could be troubling to have to justify you existence to a kid who is younger than your favorite coat. But here you should be cautious. Apparently I look about 10 years younger than I am. This is why people continually ask me where I go to school, and I get carded buying Jean Claude Van Damme movies from Wal-mart. Don't let the appearance fool you into thinking that I am dumb, unknowing, or naive. I am very smart (even if I do say so myself). So smart in fact that if you make the mistake of underestimating me, I will happily let you fall into a trap of my own making. Just a warning.

Most people are self-centered not self-interested

And they say you don't tug on Superman's cape You don't spit into the wind You don't pull the mask off an 'ole Lone Ranger And you don't mess around with Jim Everything I need to know from life I learned from movies. For some reason, most people are walking around with a superhero complex. As Smith would say: You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. People are wrong. Or rather: People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals. The most important part of that is dumb. Sometimes I want to hit people with a CLUE X 4 and ask them what they expected to happen. And if I see one more person who looks like T.R. Knight this week I am going to think that it's fate.

Economy class sucks

It's pretty ridiculous to set your phone to speaker when you are the only one talking into it... And it disturbs your neighbors who don't want to hear your conversation.

Smurf Name Your Smurf Name is Clumsy Smurf Get Your Smurf Name at Quizopolis.com

OK, I'm a week behind

Bauer vs. Robocop is almost as good as Superman vs. Batman

Sometimes the bitch just needs to go

And sometimes, it's the son of the bitch For the first time in my rapidly approaching 30 years on this planet I am turning to food for comfort.  Chocolate to be specific.  Which incidentally I hate.  Both the chocolate and the crutch.  Of course I suppose that it is marginally better than dragging out the bottle of vodka.

I have no fucking toilet.

I've got a split personality

Many moons ago I took a test to see what types of jobs I am best suited for. According to the test I am:

Investigative Individuals: put a high value on math and science. are curious, creative, and studious. like to work with theories or unproved ideas. prefer to work alone.

Conventional Individuals: prefer jobs with clearly defined duties. like to work with words and numbers. are orderly and systematic. value financial success and status.

Artistic individuals: prize independence. enjoy creative activities such as music, writing, entertainment, and art. appreciate the artistic work of others in museums, theaters, and books. actively seek opportunities for self-expression.

Am I the only one who sees the problem with a creative analyst? Apparently, because none of my employers have figured out that the best thing to do is just let me do my job without hovering.

I could seriously listen to to Dennis Haysbert speak all day long...

And since Jennifer doesn't want Scott I am more than willing to take him.  Michael too for that matter.  Seriously.

Today's lesson: why fight a battle you cannot win?

"You can be sure of succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places which are undefended. You can ensure the safety of your defense if you only hold positions that cannot be attacked." - Sun Tzu

So much to learn, so little time...

"All warfare is based on deception." -Sun Tzu And I'm seriously gonna be buying some of that birth control jewelry now. Edit: for my one reader... Designer: Artifactual Creations Purchase information: Planned Parenthood Greater Cleveland

Qualifications to tell me how to live my life

There is actually only one:  you had to give birth to me. And even then I may not listen. Contrary to their belief, the following people do not qualify: Coworkers People (s)elected to the federal executive branch Texas lawmakers South Dakota lawmakers Random people on the street

TGFC (Thank God for chocolate)*

What lies in between your quarter life crisis and your mid life crisis? I think that's where I am now. Past the "what do I do with my life?" but not quite to "why the hell haven't I accomplished anything I set out to do?" *While I find chocolate vile and disgusting, it does contain happy chemical so I'm not one to argue.

My problem is that I still believe the lie...

The lie that hard work pays off in the end. That if you are good, good things happen to you. That if you go to work everyday and do a good job you will be rewarded. I know this isn't true. I have lived that this isn't true. But yet, somehow, for some strange reason, my soft gooey center hasn't caught on. It hasn't learned that hard work just makes you the chump. And the only reward you get is a banana like you're a chimp.

How come no one told me about <insert name of my bank here> online billpay?

Must find ways to look busy while I have nothing to do.

Call me Cassandra

(I always knew that classical Latin degree would come in handy sometime.) For some reason when I speak, people do not believe what I say. Maybe it's b/c "everybody lies." Everybody but me that is. I said I'm going to South Beach. (Flight and hotel reservations are in hand.) I said I was buying a car. (Got the loan to prove it.) I said I'm going back to school... again. (Found the program and started pricing books.) I provide all of this evidence in order to show that I don't make threats. I see them as I waste of time and oxygen. When I say something, I follow through on it. So people, really, stop being surprised when I tell you something and it happens, or you are going to find yourselves caught in the rain without an umbrella. And you can't say I didn't warn you.

Brown is my new blue.

I don't understand people

Example 1: I write down explicit instructions on how to complete a task. It would go faster if instead of asking me what to do, you just read the sheet of paper that I handed you... Example 2: I am supposed to complete a project. Instead of asking me if I have done so, you start on the project yourself. I allow you to, knowing that I have actually already done it. But you didn't ask.

Aimless wanderings...

For the last damn time, it's not "like osmosis" Never piss off people smarter than you I don't get paid to watch you work I'm not the only one saying "seriously" all the time How is it only Tuesday?

Dear Lord in Heaven

Someone remind me to never watch Grey's Anatomy without a spare inhaler again...

I wonder if I can teach myself linear algebra

I think that I have seen all the episodes of Perry Mason.

I think my diet could use some fiber

South Park was right. Earth is an intergalactic reality tv show. That is the only thing that explain how people behave: Stabbing you in the back as the look you in the face. Shaking your hand with the one they just wiped themselves with. And my personal favorite, taking credit for your triumphs while blaming you for their mistakes.

Is a new job worth $8000?

You betcha.

Today was the first day that I didn't get physically ill upon waking up to go to work in 2 months

And now for today's thoughts: Paula Cole really isn't good driving music I think I should work in the health care industry for a while People really should listen to me It's not my job to make sure that people higher above me have been trained properly, therefore I will not question what they tell me I will just do as I am told

I need new contacts

As I sat in the traffic nightmare caused by someone trying to take out a light pole in front of the courthouse, I glanced up at a sign in front of the SPCA What I saw: Spay or Neuter You & Pet What it said: Spay or Neuter Your Pet In my defense, there was a bit of space before the "r"

Bah Humbug

Stress does not make me happy

it does not make me work harder it just makes me sick to my stomach literally so when i say i refuse to be stressed, people should listen to me b/c really, this is not worth it and i'm not a glutton for punishment

The New 5 Year Plan...

pay off car in 2 years go to Hawaii go to school for statistical analysis start working in public sector

Seriously

How the hell can the side effect of a medication be flu or tuberculosis?  Do they put tb in the pill?

Apparently no one listens to me

I guess everyone just thought I was blowing smoke out my ass when I said that I wouldn't keep promises they made on my behalf. If I didn't make the commitment myself, I see no reason why I should be held responsible when it doesn't happen. Oopsie, guess someone should ask me first.

I really should not have children

Umm..... You got 15 mommyness points!

YOUR CHILDREN ARE DOOMED!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on mommyness

Link: The would you be a good mommy Test written by mysticalj22 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I would probably be happier if I worked for a university.

"It's not that bad..."

How the hell do you know how bad it is? Why do people waste good oxygen talking about things they know nothing about? Until you become me, you have no idea what my life is like. Maybe my favorite dog died... Maybe my favorite grandmother died... Why does anyone who is not me feel that they are justified in evaluating my current mood. Seriously people, you need to worry about your own lives and butt out of mine.

SCORE!

I love it when a tv charatcer states she won't be having children. Especially when it is a smart character. Bones will get canceled now. Oh well, it was great while it lasted.

I just bought a car

Everyone keeps saying "Be happy!" How can I be happy when I will be paying it off for the next several years...