Riddle me this..

You know how drunk drivers never get hurt in the accident they kill people in. I'm wondering how they remember to put on their seat belts on when they are so drunk.

My sleep is holy

Quit messing with it. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. What did people do before I was around to provide all the answers? Starve... Bleed to death... Sit down in a corner and die... And I wish sportscasters would shut up and just show the race.

I understand now

It's a catch 22: Only idiots succeed... If you want to succeed, you aren't an idiot...

Today's advice

Don't waste good news on someone determined to be miserable.

I'm not so pissed anymore

But you know, there is a point when you say it's not worth all the trouble and just give up. So idiots, you have won. Hope you are happy. But of course, you are too stupid to understand exactly what you have done. Isn't ignorance bliss.

what the fucking hell?!!

I leave my damn desk unattended for 2 fucking days and someone or something tries to fucking eat my $40 headphones. These precious headphones are the only thing that keeps all the crap that is around me out. Next time I will take all my shit with me. What kind of world is it if you can't expect stuff on your desk to be left alone? Nevermind, I don't want to know.

I just love people

and by people I mean hypocrites. Especially those who are concerned with freedom and tolerance. As long as you are free and tolerant in their way that is... Here's todays free clue: if you don't like being persecuted then you shouldn't do it to others.

I'm thinking of starting a spork collection.

Sporks of the world...

Things that would make life simpler

Universal employment and health forms so that you didn't have to fill out a new form every time you wanted a new job or went to a new doctor. It worked for colleges.

Satan's great feat...

was not convincing the world he doesn't exist. It was giving Internet access and keyboards to idiots.

I found frogs!!!

I finally get HDTV and there is absofreakinglutely nothing to watch

I'm thinking about taking up McDonald's "I'd hit it" campaign. This could work for me.

The saddest words in the world...

"0 unread messages" when you are praying desperately for someone to respond to one of your umpteen resumes. Equally depressing is the extinguishing of the hope you feel when you see the little email alert but all you have is some spam promising a low interest rate mortgage or erection help (or both). No, my erection is fine; it's my employment that could use a little boost. But really, thanks for the offer.

And we are up and running...

I think. The newest member of my computer has has been integrated into my home fairly easily. That is if you consider umpteen updates and reboots "easy". And I do mean umpteen, over and over and over... But I am almost set. All I need is a new SATA cable and everything will be perfect. Now, just need to figure out how to pay for it...

Wow, someone understands how I feel about my job...

I hate this place this zoo this prison this reality whatever you want to call it I can't stand it any longer It's the smell if there is such a thing I feel saturated by it I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by you Repulsive isn't it? I must get out of here I must get free Oh, wait. I'm just quoting the Matrix again. Never mind.

I'm not sure if this counts as stupid or cruel

telling a balding woman that you want a haircut like hers. and no, I wasn't the one who did it.

Because some people are apparently confused

The fact of my existence does not create any type of obligation between us. I dont not have to speak to you, wave when you say hello, or even smile. I OWE YOU NOTHING. Now that we are all clear, you can go away now. Thanks for stopping by.

I can barely contain it

One day the "Kiss a fat monkey's ass" that is living inside me is going to find its way out.

Lessons in logic

During my research of individual health insurance plans this shining gem of consistency: the plan does not cover maternity care but also does not cover sterilization.

I call bullshit

The one thing in the world that I hate more than anything is being lied to. Not because of the itself (although that is bad enough) but because someone actually thinks that I am so stupid that I believe what they are telling me. That is the insult, thinking that I am as much of an idiot as you are. It really is tough being a genius. I also hate that they wasted precious oxygen with the pointless effort. So here is a solution to the problem: if you don't have anything truthful, meaningful, interesting, etc. to say, DON'T SPEAK TO ME AT ALL!!! Actually, don't bother speaking to me at all period.

Let me see if I have this right...

If I don't want to conversate with you because nothing you have to say holds any interest for me then something must be wrong. Right? Ok, then. Just checking.

Plan B (or what to do if your kid survives the explosion at the gas station)...

push him/her into the path of closing elevator doors. "Cause those always work right.

Good way to get rid of a kid...

Let your 6 year old pump your gas. Now I'll give mom the benefit of the doubt and assume that she had set the the catch of the pump and was letting the kid "watch" it while she got back in the air conditioned car... 'Cause should something go wrong that kid is going to know what to do to keep the whole thing from going up in flames. Don't get me wrong, I am all for people killing themselves should they choose, but I have a problem with things that affect my personal safety. I'm kinda selfish that way.

Need Cash...

And apparently selling myself is out. According to Human for sale I am only worth $1,960,860. That is really not enough. I blame my genetic makeup for predisposing me to so many conditions. Damn grandparents. This leaves me with two options: marrying a rich orphan or working. I really hate working.

One of the secrets to being an adult is...

knowing the difference between need and want. I NEED a new fuel pump, but I WANT a new Dell Dimension 9100. The Dell is winning. I said knowing the difference not caring about it.

Just getting to this

I actually heard a MAN say that abortions cause breast cancer. I want to see a study that investigates the link between such beliefs and fundamentalist gender role expectations. I'm guessing that people who believe women shouldn't be let of the home have a higher incidence of (stupidity) believing such things.

My ass should be asleep

My ass is awake like the rest of me. Unfortunately, my sleep pattern has been shot. The person accountable knows it is their fault. Random 2:45 am thought: what is my mother going to do if I get married? And no comments about living at home at twenty-... please.

i need new friends or at least a new job

My best friend at work is revealing himself to be a small-minded xenophobic racist bigot. This is bad because in general most of the people I work with are worthless and therefore incapable of providing me with the least in daily required human contact.

I can't tell, it's a secret

Apparently my dumb ass is the only doing any work today. I didn't get the slack off memo. Like there needs to be a memo anyway.