What do you get when you mix a terrier with a dachshund?

I don't know, but one is now living in my house.

"job security"

is just another way for your boss to tell you "you're my bitch, bitch"

You don't know me very well.

Question: there are a civic and an eclipse sitting in my driveway. Which is mine? It's a trick question. They are both mine. But why in the world would you think my 60 yr old mother would drive a sports car? But more importantly, why in the world would I show you a picture with a car visible that belongs to someone not in my household. And how the hell am I supposed to have a guy spend the night with my mother down the hall?

It's not a war zone.

In deference to all the people actually living in war zones we shouldn't say that. How about it looks like a tornado tap danced in every single tree around my house, but just managed to spare my roof... And now we know the answer to that age old question, if a tree falls in the driveway and no one is awake does it make a sound. No.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

The way you try to find fault with everything I do is cute. If you understand "cute" to mean getting on my damn nerves. And really your problem is that you are trying to do what I do. And you can't. But that's ok. I wish that I could find some way to get across to you the point that you should focus on what you are good at. You should develop some talents, interests, hobbies of your own rather than emulating the people around you. Accept that you can't be me. This is turning into single while female.

Logic error

Here's a tech joke you can tell all your friends: what do you call it when you write code using c# and do not get the results you want so you rewrite it in vb using the same programming logic? I call it laughing at people at work.

My four day diet

Here's another important thing to know about me. For 3 or 4 days out of the month you will see me with a slim fast or adkins shake. This is not because I am trying to loose weight. So don't ask me if i'm on a diet. It's because I have really bad menstrual cramps. Really bad. I'm talking about wake you up in the middle of the night and drop you to your knees before you get to the bathroom to puke bad. So I have to avoid solid food, but still find a way to meet my daily caloric needs. So dumb questions should be avoided at this time.

Congratulations, you're a woman now...

Little did I know then. Can I be a man instead? The latest guess is endometrisos. Thanks, mother nature, really. And mother too for that matter.

"oink, oink"

That's right, call someone a pig because they are hungry. This is why so many people have body issues. Health is more important than weight. So what if someone is "fat". As long they can walk to and from their car without undue stress on their heart what does it matter if they are a size 8 or a size 18.

I blame management

Your employees lack a understanding of the tecnologies necessary to complete their jobs. To be clear, they lack the fundamental skills needed to complete their jobs. To be clearer, you pay so little that you can not hire people who can complete their jobs. This is why there are so many "hiccoughs". I'm reminded of college. "you fucked up! You fucked up!"

Basics of reading comprehension

my google-fu is strong.  so i am going to help out those of you unable to look things up for yourselves but nevertheless need to learn some stuff.

how to tell the difference between fact and opinion:

http://www.worsleyschool.net/socialarts/factopinion/factopinion.html

Could someone check my forehead

I'm getting the impression that some people are seeing "dumb bitch" tattooed there . I don't see it when I look in the mirror, but maybe it is in some color that I can't see or only visible under a black light or something.

What I really need to be doing

is figuring out how i am going the code a parking garage fee calculation program.  or if i have to blog, post one or two of the 10 drafts i have sitting out in limbo.  let's instead ponder the nature of identity (and perhaps the fact that macgyver is available for view on cbs's site).

When I was 10 I wanted to be a neurosurgeon.  now you would have to have known me then to believe this, but yes i did fully appreciate all that entailed.  by the time i finished high school, i was leaning to law school.  which i was going to incorporate somehow with the application of physics.  space physics to be exact.  and before the jokes start, yes i went to school to be a rocket scientist.  (i point out that someone actually thought i had a shot at it as well.)  but as often occurs life got in the way of that.  right now i want to be a computer programmer.  i know things about myself now that i not have conceived of at 10 or 18.  I will probably learn something tomorrow that i didn't know today.

 

and i need to turn dave chappelle off.  but man, he's got me thinking about that grape juice in the fridge.

Vosloo, Bacic, and Bourne oh my

sometimes i have explicitly point out to my mom that i don't like girls "that way".  I mean only score 53% on the gay meter, that counts for something.

i'm the kinda guy that laughs at a funeral

just say recession dammit.  the pyramid scheme is failing and i'm afraid to look at my investments.  but the most important question of the day is "do i really care about torchwood?"  evidence points to no as i have a ton of unwatched eps sitting on my tivo.

Let's pretend that we are adults here

And let's take a man name danny and a woman named lindsey.  let's say that danny and lindsey have been dancing around each other for months.  let's say that everyone under the sun can see that they are interested  let's say that they start" spending time together". now, since we are adults here, we can imagine that this time spent sets up the reasonable expectation that there is some type of greater than friendship relationship between are too parties.  I mean we can be reasonable assured that they aren;t just playing chess with each other.  now let's say that danny is going through some stuff and has sex with a women (let's call her rikki) to make himself feel better.

now the question on everyone's mind is " is this cheating?"  hell yes.  if you lie and try to bury your shit  in a hole so that people don't see it, you are obviously not on the up and up.  dude (and i mean that in the referring to men way), if you "need some space", decide you want to "see other people", or are simply just an asshole, tell us please.  i've only had one asshole admit to it; it made my life much easier knowing.

 

*name have been changed to protect the innocent.  ;)

For the last 12 hours I have put my computer through hell

because once again, microsoft sucks.  apparently it is a known bug in VS 2008 that using the scroll wheel will crash your project.  known to everyone but me.  i have uninstalled, reinstalled, used cleanup tools, set restore points... and don't get me started on what it took to deal with .net 2.0.  who can remember to not used the damn scroll wheel.  and yes, my pointing device is a microsoft product as well. 

Sorry Starbuck

But I'm watching Ben Hur, which was an integral part of my high school education. And obviously the reason I majored in classics at college. It is so historically accurate after all.

the laptop is dead, long live the laptop

there is going to be a point that i will not be able to take this year anymore.  that point is about -- |  |-- far away.

MYOB

the world would be a much better place if everyone would attend to their own business rather than interfering in the lives of others.  Remember, you shouldn't care what floats my boat; i'm not offering you a ride.

this is why microsoft pisses me off

anyone want to explain why xp sees 3 hard drives when there is only 2?  how about what the hell happened to my cookies.  somebody tossed my cookies.and who the hell locked me out of my online banking.  what is going on?  everything was fine until i installed that last batch of updates.

i hate quicktime

do i look like i need another task running while my computer is trying to start up?  I think i am going to buy a couple of memory chips today or tomorrow.  my computer is slower than i would like.  of course i also need to drop a hard drive into my other desktop, but i am really not feeling that.  it's always a pain since i have to plug something in nearly every port available and xp does not like it when when you switch usb ports around.  now if there was just something i could do to make my laptop behave better.

drunk blogging (may contain bsg spoilers)

this is an experiment in/on how many smirnoff ices i can drink before getting bored.  it is now 9:29.  the experiment began at 9:10.

 

9:10 opened first bottle. pomegranate.

9:29 started bsg crossroads I.  6 is kinda hot, but not as hot as starbuck.  and let's not forget baltar.  if we could just get him to shave.

9:55 fast forwarding through the parts i have seen.  grab dinner.  still on first bottle.

10:00 bottle number 2. arctic berry.  tasty as well.  seal breakage.

10:09 we pause to say, "dude, jet li and jackie chan... eleventy one eleventy one.

10:17 bored

i'm not learning anything

that's why i'm on blogger right now rather than paying attention to the program written on the board.

"I got a pap smear"

now where's my damn lollipop? kids get treats without nearly as much discomfort. i think adults would take much care of themselves if they were given a reward for good behavior. not really, but who could pass up a dum dum.

What most people don't realize is that it's all a lie

Money systems. Economics. Health care. Employment. Stocks. Credit. None of it is real. Think of it like the moment you realize there is no wizard, just a guy behind a curtain.

breakup

i haven't spoken to my imaginary boyfriend for three months.

Four years old

this is part of an assignment i had to complete for an ethics class:

Identify 100 of your beliefs in one-sentence statements. (This number is not negotiable.) These should be ethical beliefs as opposed to say physical beliefs "I believe the earth is round".
Explanation of language: While there are exceptions, I have tried to differentiate my use of the words “should” and “must/ought.” I try to use “must” only when a behavior/action is required under my ethical standards (even though I may make exceptions as necessary). I use “should” for those actions, which while not required, earn a person moral character bonus points. While I consider people who violate a “must” “bad,” I make no negative judgment on those violating a “should.”
I believe that…
1) there is a difference between murder and killing.
2) no one human life is inherently better than any other.
3) legislating morality defeats the purpose of having a moral system.
4) you must follow the golden rule.
5) people ought not have children for their entertainment value.
6) parents must be responsible for the actions of their children.
7) at some point a person must look beyond their background and take responsibility for their actions.
8) you should protect the young, the weak, and the old.
9) the pursuit of money is a root of evil.
10) people kill people, not guns. (We should limit/punish actors rather than instruments.)
11) ignoring injustice is worse than committing it.
12) letting someone die is different from murder or killing them.
13) if you have ability and resources to help others you should (but should not be forced to do so).
14) there is a difference between intentional, negligent, and accidental harm.
15) an “eye for an eye” is permissible to punish intentional harm.
16) intent is a important factor in morality, i.e. you can do the wrong thing for the right reason or vice versa.
17) altruistic dishonesty is moral.
18) the worst form of dishonesty is adultery/infidelity.
19) preemptive strikes are wrong.
20) in the absence of professional training, level of self defense should be determined by victims.
21) with professional training, self defense should mirror level of attack.
22) victims should have a say in punishment.
23) those who act against the golden rule no longer have its protection.
24) hypocrisy is immoral.
25) the worst person to lie to is yourself.
26) you shouldn’t get something for nothing.
27) only he who is without sin can cast stones.
28) people deserve honest pay for an honest day’s work.
29) you ought to expect to receive no more than you give.
30) unrepentant smokers ought not receive free public health benefits.
31) motorcycle riders without helmets ought not receive free public health benefits.
32) lawmakers should not hide behind same-sex marriage amendment as a shield to true feelings on homosexuality.
33) you ought to tell people if you fall out of love with them, i.e. a relationship is not as they believe it.
34) people have a moral right to privacy.
35) people ought to be able do with their bodies as they will, as long as they harm only themselves (physically).
36) polluters have a duty stop activities and make their victims whole.
37) the death penalty as currently administered is immoral.
38) it is wrong to experiment on human subjects without full disclosure.
39) animal experimentation is a necessary evil that must be done humanely.
40) it is wrong to abandon puppies in the country.
41) it is wrong to hurt others for entertainment.
42) it is right to have property rights.
43) a person must decide his own highest duty.
44) bankruptcy is dubious at best.
45) people must consider the consequences before they act.
46) I ought not pay for the mistakes of others.
47) in group work, everyone in the group must do equal values of work.
48) friends and family have greater claim on a person than strangers.
49) you have a duty to have proper training before engaging in an activity (driving, surgery, law practice, etc.).
50) you must not drive after drinking.
51) you can forgive a harm without forgetting it.
52) you have no obligation to remain in any situation where you are being hurt.
53) there is no requirement to like all people equally.
54) drug companies should compensate for unwarned damages.
55) manufacturers should tell truth about products.
56) lies of omission are the same as lies of commission.
57) I am the only person with a right to my life.
58) those without mental capacity for understanding the difference between right and wrong ought not be punished.
59) leaders have a stronger duty to take responsibility for their actions.
60) “the rules” don’t apply equally to everyone.
61) consumers have a right to know how goods are manufactured (child labor, genetic modification, etc.).
62) men and women should be paid equally for the same job.
63) people have a privacy right even in public.
64) in a democracy there is a need for minority rights.
65) the rational individual is responsible for his own TV viewing. (But parents are responsible for children).
66) rational beings do not succumb to the “slippery slope.”
67) law ought not be the basis for morality.
68) position and/or might does not make right.
69) animals do not have morals or ethics.
70) people have an obligation to reason about their moral codes.
71) people cannot attribute actions to fate because the future is unknown when making decisions.
72) parents have the responsibility of ensuring proper education for their children, not society.
73) when evidence of crime persists, there should be no statute of limitations on prosecution.
74) people have an obligation to at least try to stop their own immoral behavior.
75) you cannot force help onto people “for their own good.”
76) just because everyone is doing it doesn’t make it right.
77) you should not laugh at the misfortune of others.
78) if action A has a possibility of consequence C, then committing A is an acceptance of responsibility for C.
79) it’s ok for some of my beliefs to conflict with others.
80) while I should respect their life and liberty, I have no responsibility for the happiness of others.
81) a sin by an other name is still a sin (flattery vs. lying).
82) two wrongs don’t make for right.
83) emotional relationships do not create the obligation to commit unethical acts for others.
84) you ought not take credit for others’ work.
85) ethics is doing what your mother can be proud of.
86) people are responsible for themselves when they ignore warning (e.g. jumping a fence with a “large dog” warning).
87) companies that outsource have a duty to ensure vendors follow all proper privacy practices.
88) “don’t ask, don’t tell” policies encourage dishonesty in employees.
89) you ought not keep secrets involving abuse or minors with eating disorders.
90) everyone has the capacity to commit evil.
91) doing good means active rather than passive behavior
92) it is better to give unwanted items (clothing, shoes, etc.) to disadvantaged than simply throw away.
93) there is no duty to use innate talents.
94) criminals should be removed from society because they have broken an implicit social contract.
95) all professionals have duty to clients whether termed business ethics, legal ethics, or medical ethics.
96) stereotyping is wrong when thought leads to deed.
97) the rules for individual also apply to groups (corporations, societies, countries, etc.).
98) only I can determine “good” for myself.
99) I have a right to decide to not be a member of society, receiving no benefits, but also sharing no ills.
100) it’s ok to ask for help.

Burger of the week

This week's burger is brought to you by our good friends at the beltline location of topz.  i had a 1/2 lb cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, pickle, and garlic mayo.  fry of choice was their aero baked sweet potato.  I give it an 8/10.  It would have been a 9, but they use only one slice of cheese.  the proper form of a double cheeseburger is cheese meat cheese meat, not cheese meat meat.

"what motivtes you"

The simple answer is the "black box". All of my decision making hardware is in a black box. I input the situation and the black box spits out yea or nay. Other than when moral updates are required, I stay out of the black box. That's the point of the black box... So don't ask me what motivates me; just present your case and the black box will spit out the answer. outlook cloudy, ask again later...

The grass may not be greener

But at least you're still on the other side...

It's human nature to complain. But I would rather have problems the size of molehills rather than mountains.

Dear Parents

Watch your damn kids.

Did you even bother to read the masterpiece that is my resume

from just this little snippet i'm going to say no...

RCM is currently seeking an experienced Administrative Assistant located in Dallas , TX .
This critical position will be a part of one of the fastest growing and innovative sites in North America and will play an active roll in our support for AT&T Mobility (formerly Telecommunication Wireless).

question 1: how does "administer database" translate to fetch lunch for peopl

question 2: exactly how far would i have to roll?

musical interlude

Jem - Falling For You

Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad
Maybe that's why you've come along
To show me, it's not always bad
Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
It's true I've become a skeptic
How many couples really love
Just wish I had a crystal ball
To show me, if it's worth it all
Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go

I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
And I've got to be sure
Coz it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again
If it all goes wrong
Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
I want you so much
I need you so much
I want you so much
I need you so much
(believe me my love
Believe me my love)

carnivores of the world u-knife

(that was too good to pass up)

Tech workers of the world unite

Dear companies,

It is time for a lesson in long-term cost planning. RIFing veteran employees who cost a lot in compensation and replacing with cheap labor saves money short-term. Paying those veterans as consultants to fix what your cheap labor screwed up costs twice as much as their original salaries. Just something to consider.

no love,
me

Chicken vs. egg

This may be hard to follow... My not liking you doesn't make you bad; I don't like you because you were already bad before I met you. (somedays I hate the awkwardness of verb tenses in english when making a philosophical point). See, bad before the dislike. Your problem is that you didn't recognize the bad until after the dislike. But no one rots inside that fast, so trust me, you were always wormy.

posts like this make it difficult to believe that I am capable of writing up a graduate level research study.

life

Overcoming adversity makes you a better person but some days I wonder "dear God" how many roaches did I step on to deserve this.