The rules

Supposedly people need clear performance guidelines in order to achieve success. To make things simple for everyone, here are a few of the care and feeding rules for me.

How to employee me:
Understand that we are not family
Understand that we are not friends
I am a fully grown adult
I don't do filing, phones, or customer service
I hate people so leave me alone
I don't want stupid gifts with the company name
I don't share
Take your __________ meds
Leave your marital problems at home
If you want me on call, give me a phone; my minutes are not your minutes
You don't get to tell when/what to eat, buy, wear
How much I spend isn't your business
Any training/education you pay for is yours, what i pay for is mine
The moment you start trying to bully me, I quit

How to befriend me:
See above
I'm allergic to cats
Drinking yes, smoking no
No ditching
Trust is the cornerstone of friendship
Ask first before taking
If I saw it first I have dibs until otherwise noted
Never take the last one
"bros before hos"

Something more:
See above
See here
Roses are a safe bet
No shrimp, no seafood restaurants unless its a table for one
We are separate people with separate lives, friends, cars, houses

Everyone else:
See employ me
Don't say "smile it's not that bad" because actually it is
On second thought don't speak to me at all
Don't be the nasty pervert getting frisky with my car